Chapter 1
The Secret
When I was a kid, I used to believe anything I was told. This, of course, doesn’t make me special. After all, most kids would believe anything older people said. Still, I was slightly more naïve than the average kid and my sister took advantage of this. Filling my head with scary stories. I didn’t just need to worry about the Boogeyman and Freddy Krueger. I also had to worry about the fat man wearing a red suit who slid down the chimney every December with his fanged reindeer. Starving for the flesh of naughty boys who didn’t give their sister everything she wanted. Yes, my sister preyed on my fear and used it to get anything she wanted from me. I cried the day my first tooth fell out, not because it hurt, but because Susie had told me that the tooth fairy would visit me at night. She would leave a dollar under my pillow while I was sleeping, as payment for the visit.
“If you ever spend that money,” she whispered in a voice that made shivers run down my spine, “your teeth will never grow back.”
I still have that dollar to this day and a healthy set of teeth. I am a little smarter now. I know that Santa isn’t real and that my parents were the tooth fairy. Still, my heart beats just a little faster when I see a fat man wearing a red suit and sporting a snow-white beard. I'm such a crybaby. I also never got mad at Susie for all the years of deceit. On the contrary, I loved her. She was my first friend and my best friend. Even though she teased me a lot, she was very protective of me. Sometimes, when the teasing got so bad that I would be wailing against her hip, she would laugh and tell me it was just a joke. Sure, I believed that. Every bit of it. Sigh, see what I mean?
“You don’t need to be scared of the monsters under the bed or in the dark,” she would say with a big smile. “They can’t do anything to you. But the monsters in your head…”
Of course, the idea of monsters in my head was scarier and I would cry even harder. Susie would just laugh and run away.
“Find me if you can!” she would tease.
Hide and Seek. Ah, yes. Let's talk about that. It was our best game and on most afternoons, one of us would stand in the middle of our living room, hands over our eyes as we counted to ten. Then run around looking for the other person. To make it more interesting, we made a rule that every time one of us got caught, the loser had to hold their breath for as long as possible. The person who could hold their breath the longest won. Having lost at hide and seek, we would desperately try not to lose again. I tried my best, but Susie was even better at that and no matter how long I tried to hold my breath, she always won.
“How do you do that?” I asked her one day after I almost fell unconscious from holding my mouth and nose closed.
She just shrugged. “I guess I just got used to holding my breath. Do you ever wonder how it feels to be able to hold your breath forever?”
“Like a superpower?” I wondered. “That would be so awesome. You could fly into space and not need to breathe. Or go underwater like Aquaman. Maybe you can even learn to talk to fishes. That would be the coolest superpower ever.”
Susie would just smile at me and tousle my hair. “Yeah, it would be a cool superpower.”
One day, we were playing hide and seek in the park close to our house. It was my turn to seek. As I counted, I tried to peek between my fingers but Susie had already disappeared. She was so good at the hiding part, always coming up with new places to hide. Either that or I was bad at the game. Sometimes, I wondered if she allowed me to find her a couple of times just so the game wouldn’t get boring.
“…10,” I finished my count and opened my eyes. “Ready or not, here I come.”
I turned around and looked for Susie’s familiar shade of blonde hair, but I couldn’t find her. I checked through the tunnels, behind the swings and under the park benches. No sign of her. I even checked in the trees around the park and among the group of people playing Frisbee close to me. Susie had done that in the past, played Frisbee with a group of boys while I was busy looking for her. This time, it wasn't the case and I was starting to get frustrated. I wasn’t really a cheater, but I was tired and tempted. I looked around, trying to find a friendly face that could be of help. My eyes met the eyes of a man sitting on a park bench a few feet away. He had a Bible in his hand with a finger between the pages as if he was taking a pause from reading it. The man smiled at me and my lips reflexively curved in a smile too. I knew about stranger danger and normally I wouldn’t talk to anyone, but the man looked so nice and harmless. Plus, he was holding a Bible. To a kid who had been taught that all good things come from God, I immediately saw him as a good guy. Perhaps he was a priest. He just had that look about him.
“Good afternoon, sir,” I approached him.
“Did you see where my sister went to hide? We were playing hide and seek, and now I can’t find her.”
He smiled back at me, his eyes warm and kind. “Wouldn’t it be cheating if I told you that?” he replied.
I blushed and stammered for a bit. “I guess… Sorry for asking.” I turned around to run away. Then I thought better of it. “Please, don’t tell Susie I tried to cheat.”
He chuckled. “Don’t worry. It will be our little secret.”
From that day, we became friends of sorts. I would stop by whenever my sister and I went to the park to chat with him. He always had his Bible with him and sometimes, when I couldn’t find Susie, I would sit beside him. He had a lot of interesting stories. Slowly I found myself spending less time looking for Susie and more time listening to the man.
“I don’t know what you see in him,” Susie complained one day. “He looks creepy to me. What kind of old man talks to children in the park?”
I knew she was just jealous, and I guess I felt a little bad for her because I invited her to meet him the next day. The meeting did not go as I had hoped and it was clear from the start that Susie didn’t like him. She sulked and glared at him throughout until finally, she left us alone to go play with the other children in the park.
“Your sister doesn’t like me very much,” the man said with a disappointed smile at Susie’s receding figure.
“I’m sorry,” I tried to apologize. “She doesn’t like meeting new people.”
“Perhaps that is because with you around she never needed to meet anyone else.” The man turned to me and for a moment the smile on his face disappeared. “I’d ask you to go after her, but that would simply be delaying the inevitable.”
I frowned, wondering what he meant. He talked like that sometimes. “She thinks you are a bad man.”
“And you, do you think I am a bad man?”
I shook my head. “Of course not. You’ve been nice to me and you are always reading the Bible. Plus, you didn’t offer me candy when we first met. Papa said if anybody offered me candy in the park I should run away and look for Susie.”
He laughed now, his head falling back and his hand on his belly as he laughed. “Is that so?”
I nodded. “I swear it is. I am not lying. I would never lie to you.”
He nodded. "It is a good thing that you don’t lie. Still, be careful what you say. You are young now, but soon enough you’ll learn the difference between a secret and a lie.”
“What?” I grimaced. He was doing it again. Pushing the thought out of my head, I sat beside him. “So, do you have a story for me?”
He raised his head and looked at Susie in the distance. She had found some new friends, but every once in a while she would raise her head and look over at us. It was hard to tell if she was trying to make me jealous or looking out for me. Maybe both.
“Watch over that one,” the man said to me in a voice that frightened me. “She is not as strong alone as she pretends to be.”
For a moment I wondered what he meant. He clearly didn’t know Susie. She was the strongest person I knew and she was not scared of anyone. Not even the monsters in the dark.
“Tell me a story,” I demanded and settled back as he told me Bible stories and parables about cunning rabbits and proud wolves. I had finally found something better than playing hide and seek with my sister. Soon, Susie and I dropped the game, and not long after that, we stopped going to the park, never to see that man again.
Chapter 2
Reunion
Years passed and the worries and fears of childhood were replaced by the concerns and anxieties of adulthood. I lost Papa to colon cancer and that was one of the worst periods of my life. We found out pretty late and by the time it was diagnosed, it was too late to do anything about it. The doctor handed us some pills and advised us that the best thing we could do was try to make him as comfortable as possible. Susie spent a long time by his side in his final days. I tried to do the same, but I just couldn’t handle it and would instead spend hours at the docks fishing. After his death, we sold his truck and most of his belongings to offset the debt. Susie and I both got his cabin, but since she was living with her partner at the time, I was the only one living in the cabin.
Not long after I lost my father, I also lost my job at the factory. Cutbacks and mass layoffs. Turned out robots stealing our jobs was not just a conspiracy theory. With just a high school diploma, getting another job became a struggle. And I wasn’t much of a struggler. My last girlfriend had accused me of being a chronic underachiever with no goals or dreams in life. Considering we broke up almost three years ago and I haven’t been in a relationship since then, she may be right. I really didn’t need much to make me happy. Food to eat, a roof over my head, and clothes to wear. One day, I returned from the docks where I had gone fishing and found Susie sitting on the porch with a bottle of beer in her hand. She said she had broken up with her boyfriend and was moving back into the cabin. I just shrugged, took another beer from the pack, and sat beside her without saying a word. A part of me was happy to have my sister living back at home with me. That may sound selfish and unambitious, but I didn’t care. The house could get lonely at times and it even got worse when my dad's pension stopped providing support.
Susie and I earned our living as roadside musicians. It wasn’t a glamorous life and often we pretty much lived hand to mouth, but we made do. Our most popular spot was right across the park we used to play in as kids. Susie was the main attraction of our show. She had a voice like an angel, something she had gotten from our mother, and when she sang the blues, a crowd would quickly gather. I would go around the crowd with a bowl in my hand collecting money while trying to be cute and funny. I liked to think I helped a bit. Perhaps, one or two people in the crowd had stopped to see the funny dancing man beside the pretty girl with a beautiful voice. Still, I knew Susie would do well without me.
One thing I was good at, though, was fishing and every once in a while I would go down to the docks with my fishing line and a bucket, then come back with dinner. I would clean and fillet the fish, and Susie would sing as she cooked, dancing around in the kitchen. There was something magical about her voice. Listening to her felt like being pulled into a different dimension, where nothing existed outside that room and time moved slowly. It didn’t matter how I was feeling. Angry, sad, worried… As soon as Susie started singing, my heartbeat would slow down and I would feel myself calm down.
“Your mother was like that,” Papa told me once when he was teaching me how to fish. “She could stop the world with her singing.”
I knew my mom died when she was giving birth to me but listening to Susie sing, sometimes I wished it was the two of them in that kitchen. Cooking together and singing…
We settled down into some routine of sorts, both of us accepting our roles in our new family situation quietly. Susie cleaned and cooked. I tried to keep everything in the house working, carrying out repairs where necessary. I tried cooking once or twice, but I was so bad at it Susie banished me from the kitchen. I was great at the grill though and every once in a while I went down to the butcher’s shop and came back with steaks. Susie got a job singing at a bar not too far from the house and I would spend most nights there, nursing a drink at the bar while she sang. Weeks turned into months and months into years. Susie got into a couple of serious relationships but none that went anywhere and she would find herself back home. Every time she came back, I asked no questions and offered no advice. I was the last person to advise her on relationships considering my track record. Of course, my apathy didn’t blind me to the fact that I wasn’t living an ideal life. I just didn’t care.
One day, I was walking back from the docks and decided to use a shortcut I hadn’t used in a long time. My path took me over a small bridge alongside the river not far from our house. And as I approached it, I heard someone crying under the bridge. It was a still night, the moon just starting a new cycle and thus providing little light. There was no one around and in the silence, the sounds of crying were easily carried to my ears. I hunched down, not really interested in the pain of someone else. God knows I was well aware of just how unfair life could be. Then I heard the sound again, this time much clearer, and my head snapped up. I knew that voice. Surely it couldn’t be…
Walking towards the bridge, I hid behind one of the beams that held it up, and sure enough, it was Susie. She was leaning against one of the pillars, her face in her hands and she was sobbing furiously, pain resonating in every echo of her cries. The sound was like an arrow through my heart and I felt my legs weaken under me. At first, I wanted to charge forward and ask who had caused her to shed these tears. Then I stopped. It was obvious she had come here because she wanted to grieve in private and stepping in felt like betraying a secret she had decided I was not worthy to be privy to. Also, I truly was at a loss on how to deal with those tears. My sister was the strong one…the stable one…the one who was always smiling and singing in the house. Retracing my steps, I turned around and took my old route home.
When she got back home, I was waiting on the porch with two bottles of beer. She smiled when she saw me and asked me how my fishing was. I mumbled a reply as I studied her face, and that was when I saw what I had been subconsciously refusing to acknowledge for years. The lines at the corner of her eyes that seemed to multiply by the day. The wrinkles on her face that should never belong on the face of someone so young. The slight hunch of her shoulders from having to bear this weight alone all this time. The shadow of pain and grief in her eyes remained even when she smiled. I handed her a beer and she thanked me and took her seat beside me. At first, neither of us said anything, content to just sit in silence like we used to.
Only this time was different and I could not bear the silence anymore.
“Susie,” I cleared my throat. “Uhm, everything good with you?”
“Sure.”
I nodded. “Because you know you can talk to me about anything, right?”
She turned and looked at me, her brows furrowed in confusion. “I know that. What is wrong with you?”
“Nothing.” I hurriedly gulped my beer and swallowed. “Just wanted to let you know that I am here for you if something is making you unhappy or anything.”
She stared at me for several seconds, perhaps trying to figure out if I knew her secret. Then she chuckled and turned around again.
“I’m fine, I promise. I’ll be better when you finally fix that kitchen drain though. I hate watching the dirt swim around in the sink for that long.”
She launched into a litany of all the things she had asked me to fix around the house and as usual, I nodded and promised to get to them. She sounded like my Susie and I wanted so desperately to believe that what I had seen under the bridge was an aberration. Perhaps, it was that time of the month, I reasoned with myself. It was a stupidly ignorant excuse. But I clung to it with all the fervor of a drowning man grabbing at straws and told myself that tomorrow would be better. The sun would come out tomorrow, after all.
Chapter 3
Dreams
One day, we were performing in the park. It was early in the evening and judging by the amount of money in the bowl, we were having a good enough day. I was dancing around, begging people to give more when I saw a man push his way through the crowd and stop in front of Susie. She was facing away from him and was yet to notice him. He seemed familiar at first, but I couldn’t place his face. Still, he looked comfortable enough and I decided that he was worth convincing to give some money. As I walked towards him, Susie turned. And when she saw him, her eyes widened in shock and her knees seemed to buckle under her weight. I immediately became concerned and rushed towards her. The stranger did the same too and as he tried to help her up, she sprang from his touch, looking hysterical. Now, I was even more concerned, but before I could get to Susie, she had taken off and was now running towards home.
“What did you do to her?” I asked the stranger as I gathered the bowl from the floor and picked up Susie’s guitar case.
“Me?” The stranger raised his hand and shook his head. “I didn’t do anything. I just wanted to say hi to her.”
“Say hi?” I looked him up and down. His face really looked familiar and I was trying so hard to place it. “Who are you?”
He gave me a sheepish smile like he was embarrassed I didn’t recognize him. “It’s me…” he replied with his arms stretched out.
That was when I placed his face. He was the man I used to play with at the park, the one who used to tell me all those stories. He had changed a bit. Gotten older, obviously. Still, I couldn’t figure out why Susie had responded so strangely to him. Sure, she used to hate him back when we were kids. Especially towards the end when it became apparent I preferred to hang out with him rather than her. But that was a long time ago. I didn’t have the time to dwell on that thought for too long. My sister needed me. Lifting the guitar case and the money we’d made that day I turned to the old man. I didn’t care that we used to be friendly. He obviously made Susie uncomfortable.
“Well, how about you don’t ever come near my sister again.”
Without waiting for a response, I turned around and began to race home.
“Tell her I’m sorry,” he called out to me.
I didn’t stop. I didn’t care. When I got home, I found Susie sitting on the porch. It was obvious she had been crying and I quickly dropped to my knees in front of her.
“What happened?” I asked, concerned. “You just up and left there without any warning. Was that guy disturbing you?!”
“No, I was just surprised to see him. That’s all.”
She smiled at me. On a face still stained with her tears, it was a smile I wasn’t ready to accept.
“Susie, talk to me. Please!” I moved closer to her. “I remember the guy. The man that used to tell me all those stories when we were kids. And I know you disliked him back then, I just never figured out why you would still hate him now.”
“Hate?” she chuckled. “I didn’t hate him. I used to have a crush on him. A stupid silly schoolgirl crush. I was just jealous when he only wanted to spend time with you.”
I was shocked. “You used to…a crush…on that man.”
Susie chuckled and sniffed. “You don’t know anything about girls, do you?”
I couldn’t argue with that.
“Still, that doesn’t explain your behavior today. Don’t tell me you still have a crush on him?”
“Hard to imagine, isn’t it?” She shook her head when she saw the look of horror on my face. “No. I was cured of that fantasy a long time ago. I was just shocked to see him today, that’s all.”
“Because he broke your heart?” I asked tentatively.
“You can say that.” She leaned back and stared at the sky. Darkness was slowly approaching. “Broke it so hard it was never the same anymore.”
Instantly I wanted to find the man and smash his face for this. It didn’t matter that my anger wasn’t justified. And how was he to know that my sister had a crush on him?
“Do you remember how fun it used to be playing in the park?” I asked after a long moment of silence.
She nodded. “Of course I do. How could I forget? They were the happiest moments of my life.”
There was something nostalgic and regretful about her reply and I turned to face her. She was staring at the sky. The expression on her face was hard to read and I wanted to ask her if she was truly happy. Somehow, I felt like there was something I was missing.
“Look,” she suddenly pointed at the sky. “It’s a shooting star. Quick, close your eyes, and make a wish.”
I did as she said and when I opened my eyes I found her still with her eyes closed and a smile playing at the corner of her lips.
“What did you wish for?” she asked me, and for a moment I saw my Susie again. The one with the playful smile, happy as a daisy. This smile was real, and I knew because I hadn’t seen her smile this purely in a long time. Perhaps, not since before we lost Papa. It made it easier to tell the truth.
“I wish that you would be truly happy.”
She became quiet and her smile turned sad. “You are supposed to wish something for yourself.”
I nodded. “I know, and that is what I want. For you to be happy.” She smiled and turned away. “How about you? What did you wish for?”
She sighed and leaned back, a look of nostalgia on her face. “I wished I was back when I had Papa and Mama.” She noticed my face tighten and turned to me. “I know you didn’t get to meet mom, but I wish you had. She was sweet and when she was with dad, they were happy. I mean truly happy.”
I felt strangely inadequate because of her request, but I could see why she would make a wish like that. “I guess I understand…”
“Remember when we used to play hide and seek and I came up with the idea where the loser had to hold their breath for as long as possible?”
I nodded. “Yes, and that I would always lose.”
“Not every time…” She was quiet for a few seconds. “When Mama died, Papa told me there was a magical place waiting for the dead. A place where they never had to suffer anymore. So when we played, I always hoped if I stopped breathing long enough perhaps I’d see her again.”
“Oh…” I suddenly understood and imagining how it would have felt for a young girl who had just lost her mother, it made sense. I never really knew mother. Of course, I missed her and I always wished I could have met her, but my pain could not be compared to Susie’s. She had actually known her before she died.
“I wish you’d met her,” Susie suddenly said and I was shocked to see her crying. “God, you'd love her. She always took good care of Papa and me. She never wanted to see me crying and every night she would sing me to sleep. I wish I could hear her sing again. With Papa and you. I really wish you could have heard her sing. It was magical…”
“I wish the same too, Susie.” I took her hand. “Still, I had you and I am very grateful because you did all that for me.”
“Maybe…” she said.
“No, not maybe. I know that for a fact. Do you have any idea how miserable my childhood would have been without you?” I made a funny face.
“Imagine it for a moment. Me and dad alone. I would have eaten canned food and fish for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Plus, have you heard dad sing?”
She laughed and I was glad to hear that sound. “Yeah, he did have a horrible voice.”
“Are you kidding? When we went fishing I always had to remind him not to start singing or we wouldn’t catch anything that whole day.” Her laugh was louder this time and I was happy she was no longer crying.
“I know you miss Mama and Papa. I miss them too. But I had you and you are all I ever needed…and wanted.”
She sniffed and wiped her face with the back of her hands. “Alright. Thank you.”
I leaned back and looked up at the sky.
“I guess that is proof then. Shooting stars don’t work since I wished you’d be happy and less than five minutes later you were crying in my arms.”
Susie chuckled. “You don’t know that. Maybe your wish will come true in time.”
We sat on the porch for a long time, talking and laughing with each other. I ordered us pizza and brought out a pack of beer from the fridge. By the time we stumbled into the house, it was almost midnight and I fell asleep on the couch while Susie, still more sober than I was, went into her room. By the time I woke up, the sun was high up in the sky and I was regretting the last couple of beers I had downed the night before. I was heading to Susie’s room to check up on her when I saw a note from her on the coffee table in the living room.
Hey,
Last night made me remember how much fun we used to have when we played as kids. So I thought we’d have one last game of hide and seek. Remember, if you find me, I’ll have to hold my breath for as long as I can. No cheating.
Love, Susie.
I smiled when I read the message and immediately started searching around the house. It was a small house and I remembered why Susie and I preferred to play in the park. There was nowhere to hide here. In a few minutes, I confirmed Susie was not in the house. More excited, I grabbed my jacket and headed out. I checked all our old haunts in the park and everywhere I could think of and couldn’t find Susie. I checked the bar she worked at and the supermarket where we used to buy our things and still couldn’t find her. As the day wore on I started to get worried and tried to call her to tell her I was no longer playing, but her phone was switched off. Getting more worried by the minute, I began to call and ask everyone we knew if they’d seen Susie. They all said no. As night began to fall, I decided to check along the docks again and was disappointed a second time. Now heading towards panic, I was walking back home when I realized there was one more place I hadn’t checked. The spot underneath the bridge where I found her crying.
Filled with renewed hope, I raced towards the bridge, praying I would find her. I planned on telling her we were never ever playing that game again. As I got closer to the bridge, something familiar caught my eye and I raced even faster when I recognized Susie’s jacket. The closer I got to the bridge, the more I realized that there was something wrong with the picture I was seeing. It was Susie’s jacket quite alright, and I could confirm that the boots beside it were hers. But there was no sign of Susie.
“Susie!!!” I yelled out her name and looked around for her.
“Susie, where are you? Come out, I’m not playing.”
I got to where her jacket lay, neatly folded, on the ground, and felt my heart begin to beat fast. An uneasy feeling of premonition fell on me and I found myself praying fervently that my sister was okay. I picked up the jacket and a note fell to the ground. As I crouched down to pick up the note, I noticed a strange pattern on the ground. Footprints, leading from where her boots had been placed and going into the water until they disappeared. Without stopping to think, I dove into the water and began yelling her name. Looking around for any sign of her and frantically calling for help.
I found my sister soon enough. Facedown in a shallow end of the water. It was hard to tell how long she had been down there but a part of me knew I was already too late. Still, I swam down and dragged her out of the water and to the bank. I immediately tried to give her CPR but no matter how much I blew into her mouth or pressed down against her chest, Susie would not open her eyes. I begged, tears running down my face as I pleaded. And still, nothing.
"My dear sister. Is this what you wanted?"
Finally, people who heard me calling for help came around and helped me up. An ambulance was called and Susie was taken to the morgue, me sitting in the back with my wet clothes still on, teeth chattering and praying that all of it was just a very bad dream. The paramedics said that judging by the pallor on her skin she had been down there for almost a day. I wondered what if I had woken up early and seen her note. I wondered what if under the bridge had been the first place I thought to look for her. I wondered what if I had not gotten drunk and gone to sleep the night before. None of it mattered though. Susie was gone, the chilling silence of our home was a searing reminder of that.
Sometime around midnight, I sat down on the porch of our house, the letter I had found on the bank in my hand. It had gotten a little wet but was otherwise still okay. Slowly unfolding it, I began to read my sister’s last words to me.
Hey,
I guess I win again.
I know you must have a lot of questions. I don’t know if I can answer them all, but I’ll answer as best I can. To start with, I want you to know that you are not to blame for any of this. I just got tired of struggling to find the happiness I already knew I could never find in this world. Remember when I said I wanted to be with Mama and Papa so I could be happy. I want you to know I am happy now.
I haven’t been happy for a long time. It was easy to hope that one day I’ll finally move past it and be happy again, but that dream came crashing down when I saw him in the park yesterday. Yes, I am talking about your friend from the park. Remember I told you I used to have a crush on him. It turned out it wasn’t one-sided. He took a liking to me too. He would tell me I looked beautiful and at night I would sneak out to see him. It was our little secret, he used to tell me. No one must know about it. To a young girl, he was a secret boyfriend. Now, I know that was because most people would object to someone that old having a relationship with a young girl. I didn’t know, and I didn’t care. I loved him and he said he loved me too. He was my first kiss. The first man to see me naked and the first man to know me. The last part in the biblical sense and fully without my consent. Yes, I was raped right at that very spot under the bridge.
At first, I fought him off, begging him as he was hurting me. But he wouldn’t stop, promising me that the pain would pass and I would begin to enjoy it soon enough. When I realized that the more I struggled, the more painful it was, I lay down quietly as he forced himself inside me, tears running down my face, and prayed it would end quickly. He was wrong. I didn’t enjoy it, and I never enjoyed it ever. That night, he stole my innocence and destroyed me for every man after him. Perhaps I could blame subsequent lovers for not being patient with me as I dealt with my demons, but they were not all bad. Some were willing to help me through, in the hope that I would one day overcome my fears. In the end, my demons proved stronger than whatever love they claimed to have for me. And I don’t blame them. No man wants to look down and find the woman he loves cowering away from him in fear and with revulsion in her eyes.
I tried to live my life as best as I could. I was the happiest when I sang and I’ve never had a better audience than you. Still, the sun doesn’t stand in one spot and the shadows always come crawling back, along with my demons. Several times, I’d come back here, to the place where it all started and cry until I ran out of tears and strength. Several times I thought about just walking into this water but ended up changing my mind. About a year ago I got a call from him trying to apologize for what he did to me, blaming it on the devil and promising he was a changed man now and trying to make amends. His words meant nothing to me. The damage was done and seeing him yesterday only reminded me that as long as I lived I could never be happy.
I know you want me to be happy.
I promise I already am.
I know you want to blame yourself.
Don’t. There was nothing you could have done to stop me and delaying this would just be forcing me to continue living in pain. I hope you can allow me to be selfish, at least once in my life. This is about me now.
I love you. I truly do, and I hope you find all the love and joy this world never found me worthy of. You, more than anyone I know, deserve it.
P.S. I won the last game already. Promise you’ll not play this game ever again. Promise me you’ll never try to hold your breath forever. I know you’ll do this one thing for me…
Love Susie.
I fell to the floor, clutching the note to my chest and sobbing like a baby. I wondered how I could have been so blind that I didn’t realize my sister was in this much pain. How did I let us get so far apart that she couldn’t come to me with this problem? All of a sudden, I realized the chasm that I had allowed to develop between Susie and me. How we stopped playing together at the park all because I wanted to listen to stories from the same man that would be the architect of her demise. I became Judas. I was weak and selfish, unwilling to open my eyes and see what was happening around me. I remember what that man had told me once, about secrets and lies. Now I know the difference. A secret is a cocoon waiting to metamorphose into a lie. Susie had kept her secret from me and in doing so made it so that our entire relationship and my perception of it became a lie. Secrets breed lies and I had helped her perpetuate this lie until I could do nothing to stop its effect.
I didn’t know how long I lay on the floor crying. When there were no more tears left to shed, and my heart had turned to stone, I slowly rose and looked up at the sky. A shooting star traveled above me but I didn’t waste my time with another wish. I already knew what I was going to do and this time I didn’t need luck.
Chapter 4
Soiled
I called him the next day and arranged to meet him at the park, on the same bench where he used to tell me all those stories when I was a kid. I felt the location was appropriately poetical for our confrontation. I knew the moment I saw him that he had heard the news.
“I am sorry to hear about your sister,” he said to me after I invited him to sit down. “The news has gone around.”
I nodded, too numb to show any reaction to his words. It took all the self-control I could muster not to leap across the bench and strangle him. I handed him Susie’s letter and watched him unfold it and start to read. I noticed the change in his facial expression when he saw what she’d said and I knew he did not finish it before he raised his eyes to me. Perhaps, I was expecting him to deny the accusations, and that was why I was surprised when he admitted his guilt. I was surprised he had shown up at all.
“You have to understand,” he implored me,
“I tried to talk to her, to beg her to forgive me, but she wouldn't listen to me. I told her I was ready to pay for therapy or whatever…I was even ready to surrender to the police if that was what she wanted me to do, but I did not hear back from her. It was why I came to the park.”
He looked at me, perhaps waiting for me to say something. I just stared at him with my hands in the pockets of my jeans. Can you believe this prick? It's not like he can just talk his way out of this.
“You blame me for her death,” he continued when I didn’t say anything, “and I don’t blame you. But I tried…I tried my best to make things right…”
My hand came out of my pocket and the knife was in his throat before he could even react. Blood spluttered out from the wound and splashed on my face. Some of it got into my mouth and the metallic taste was a shock to my senses. One hand clawed at the knife in his throat and the other scrambled around trying to find me. I didn’t move away. Not even when his fist grabbed my jacket.
“I’m sorry…” he mouthed.
I didn’t reply or make any move towards him. I watched him die, saw the moment his soul slipped out of his body and he fell back against the bench, his head hanging to the side. If I could hold time at this very moment, I would. In my mind, a vision is transforming. I'll be standing on top of his grave as a monument of hate and despair.
Finally, I could hear the dim noises of people screaming and a police siren in the background. Still, I sat there and didn’t move. When the cops arrived, I was lying with my face to the ground and my hands behind my back. They cuffed me and took me in. I was booked for murder and brought before the court. I didn’t fight the case. I accepted my sentence. After all, I would get food, clothes, and a roof over my head in prison and I’d never been the type to ever want anything more. The only other thing I had ever wanted, I had made sure to get myself and that was to make sure the man who killed my sister didn’t enjoy the comfort of a prison or the luxury of reasonable doubt.
Now, I know you are wondering why I didn’t just kill myself there since I had nothing else to live for. Susie had made me promise and I wanted to tell her that I kept it when I see her again. I hope it happens soon. I hear people die quite frequently in prison. Well, be my guest.
Ready or not...